Darkness Over The Edge
by AddieGreysPPPlover9119
Summary: After returning from Rehab, Amelia has a hard time dealing with the fact that the one man she's ever loved died and starts using again. When things get out of hand, she calls on the one person she knows will help her: Addison. AU Season 5 post intervention. The first story of a 3 part fanfic. Addison/Amelia centered.References made to Addek and Maddison.
1. Chapter 1

"Darkness over the edge"

**Hey peeps!**

**Sooo, there are several of my "one shots" that I've decided to re-do because either they were wayyy too long to be one shots or, I didn't like the way it turned out. I LOVED this story, or rather this trilogy because I wrote it with my good friend EmmaLee and a former role play partner of mine. It's still a 3 part trilogy but now it's just in chapter form. This is the first part which soley focuses on Amelia and her drug use. I loved the way Amelia's part was written and I loved Addison and Amelia's realtionship which is what this story is based on. This idea stems from several wall posts that were once posted on my Addison role play account so, I apologize in advance for any spelling or gramtical errors because this is the direct format of the wall posts-although I went in and edited as much as I could so that it could be uploaded as a fanfic.**

**Happy Reading**

**Peace and Love**

**Xoxo, Dee**

…

Prologue:

Addison Forbes Montgomery wasn't one that gave up so easily, especially not on someone she loved. Amelia Shepherd was like the little sister she never had. She was the only thing that kept her connected to her old life pre-affair, when things were simple and easy. Amelia was Derek's little sister and she was always the closest to Addison out of all of his sisters. She was the one who gave Amelia advice on life, and love, and sex, and anything else she needed. She was like Addison and Derek's child (so was Mark before the affair). It made her feel good not to have to come home to an empty and lonely brownstone when she returned from work; Amelia or Mark was always there to keep her company when her absentee husband was away doing surgeries. Addison was thrilled when Amelia showed up in LA nearly 3 years ago. At first she wasn't so happy about Amelia getting a job at the practice, but she got over it quickly because she knew Amelia's capabilities as a surgeon. When Amelia slipped back into her old habits, it was Addison (and Charlotte) who forced her into rehab. Things seemed to be going good for Amelia that is until she phoned Addison late one night, sounding unusually strange…

…..

"Addison, its me, I need you to come over please"

"Amelia? What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"just come, you know where the spare key is."

"Okay, I'm coming over right now"

When Addison arrived next door to her old beach house, she looked around in horror; Her once beautifully decorated home, that once held many memories, was a now a run down mess. She stood at the bottom of the stair case and called out to Amelia when she got no response she headed up the stairs, she heard a faint sound coming from her old bedroom. When Addison entered the bedroom she looked around at the empty bottles of alcohol and noticed a powdery white substance. When she made it to the bathroom, Addison dropped her purse on the floor and rushed to Amelia's side.

"…3 seizures, thrown up, I don't know how many times…I didn't know what to do; so I called you"

"Okay first I'm calling charlotte then I'm calling an ambulance" Addison said whipping out her cell phone quickly dialing Charlotte letting her know to have a team standing by then she called for an ambulance. Once she had made both calls, she knelt down on the ground and cradled Amelia in her arms and tried to reassure the frightened young girl

"You're gonna be okay? I promise"

Amelia just nodded listening to Addison; she knew Addison would know what to do that was why she called her. She cried harder as she lay in Addison's arms. She started seizing again, this time she lost consciousness.

….

Addison had been doing CPR for about 10 minutes by the time the paramedics had arrived. The ride to St. Ambrose seemed to take forever and waiting on word from Pete about Amelia's condition seemed to take even longer. Usually Addison had been the person in charge of saving someone in the practice's life. The last time she had been the one on the opposite side of the operating doors was with her brother Archer. She had almost forgotten what it was like to wait for word. After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, Addison was finally able to see Amelia. Addison sat holding Amelia's hand until she regained consciousness Eventually Amelia came to; she slowly opened her eyes and groaned.

"Addie"

"Im right here, Everything's gonna be alright I promise"

"Im sorry, im sorry, im so sorry"

"Shhh Amy its okay, it's okay…When, how did it get this bad?"

"A…a couple weeks ago. I let the house go, I let work go, I let myself go; I just didn't care anymore, and now I cant stop, I cant stop snorting drugs."

"I should've noticed I should've paid more attention to you Amelia and Im sorry"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, you are trying to have another baby and raise Ella; and I keep getting myself into trouble…I…I don't want to be alone…charlotte is going to scream at me."

"Charlotte is not going to scream, she's worried about you and so is everyone else at the practice, remember she knows what you're going through"

"Addie I don't know what to do; Everytime I use I use more and more, I almost overdosed if I use again I'm afraid I'll kill myself"

"Amelia, I promise you we're gonna get you some help, but I can't do this alone…Im calling Derek"

"No…no! You cannot call Derek; he will yell and scream…No, Addie! Please no, I'll do whatever you want, just don't call him please!"

"Amelia he is your brother and…Fine I won't call him…but I still think he deserves to know"

"I will tell him, but not while I look like this, please, You can check on me and watch me, and whatever you want, ill take drug tests…please, just don't call him."

"I promised I wouldn't call him and I won't…You're gonna have to either go to meetings or get your butt in rehab but you've gotta do something, because I won't let you ruin your life or your career"

"I just don't want to be alone…can I stay with you for a little bit, until I can get clean?"

"Where else would you stay Amelia? And I promise you I'll be right there to help you through this okay?"

"Thank you Addie, you have no idea how much it means to have your support…When can I get out of here?"

"Its going to be a while before you can come home, but im gonna be here and im gonna come visit you okay? "

"Why do I have to stay so long?"

"You almost died Amelia, you can't exactly go home tomorrow"

"Im alive, im breathing on my own, all my stats are good, just, just let me go home."

"Amelia, you can't leave, you know exactly why you can't leave do I need to mention again: you nearly died, you flat lined twice they just wanna keep you for observation"

"Flat lined or not I'm ready to go home! I just want to go home!

"Shhh Amy its okay, you can come home real soon I promise"

"im..im scared."

"I know, but I'm going to take care of you"

"Thank you Addie for always being there for me, even when Derek wasn't It means a lot to me."

"It means a lot to me too that you didn't turn your back on me after the divorce, and I will never turn my back on you, you will always be my family Amelia, like I told your mom and your sisters I never meant to hurt Derek and a part of me will always love Derek"

"I would never turn against you, Derek was an ass. He was at fault too"

It was something about the way that Amelia looked at her that made Addison realize: she was still that scared little 10 year old girl she met when she and Derek met in med school. Addison crawled into bed next to Amelia and held her close. It was going to be a long road to get Amelia back to sobriety but she was determined to see her through it

Addison looked up towards the sky silently thinking 'how am I gonna help her?' as Amelia drifted off to sleep, Addison crept outside of the room and went to ask Charlotte for help seeing as she knew what to do in this situation. Amelia needed her and she was determined not to let her down…..


	2. Chapter 2

….

1 week later

Amelia had come a long way in the hospital and it was finally time for her to go home. Addison her she told would be by to take her home after shift that day and Amelia couldn't wait.

After doing some surgeries at the hospital Addison headed to pick up the anxious Amelia

"Ready to go? "

"Yes I am."

She sat in the wheelchair the nurse brought in as they wheeled her out to where Addison was parked. Amelia climbed in the passenger's seat and buckled up ready to head home to recover at Addison's. The drive back to Addison's was quiet for a while. Addison had secretly had another meeting with the other doctors at Seaside Wellness and she had talked to Derek and they had all agreed that the only way to help Amelia was for her to go to rehab and to go back to NA and AA meetings and to get counseling. Addison knew that Amelia would freak out at the idea of counseling and that she'd talked to Derek but Addison was in way over her head and the only way she knew how to help Amelia was to call in the big guns. She took a deep breath

"So, I talked to Derek the other day"

"YOU WHAT? You promised you would let me tell him! You promised Addison" She said as they pulled into the driveway.

Before Addison could get another word out Amelia got out of the car slamming the door and walked in the house putting her stuff down and going straight to the spare room shutting the door. Addison sighed as she walked into the house and stood at Amelia's locked door

"Amelia I'm sorry, but this is a lot for me to deal with you didn't want me to call Charlotte and Im way in over my head and…I really want to help you…calling Derek was my only option…I really am sorry I was just trying to help"

"Go away Addison! I should have never asked for your help anyway…I'll just go home, because im not talking to my brother about this!"

"He's not coming to LA; we only talked about what we both think you should do...Amelia like it or not, He's your brother and besides me, he's the only one you've got…You wont talk your mom or to Kathleen or to Nancy, you have no one, you wont talk to Charlotte or any one else at the practice…Amelia, I only want to help you, that's the only reason I called him"

"What, so whenever I screw up he can remind me that I'm an addict? No thank you. I shouldn't have called you…I should have just laid in the bathroom floor, but I called you because I trusted you, I trusted you to keep a promise to me, and you didn't, so now... now I have no one"

"He agreed not to call you or talk to you and he wouldn't judge you, Amelia we only want what's best for you I want what's best for you, you can't just throw something this serious in my lap and expect me to know what to do! You can't do this alone, you need help and I won't let you do this alone, Amelia please let me help you"

"You have done enough, calling my brother was unnecessary; if he isn't going to call or come out here or judge me, then why call him! I'm sorry I called you and im sorry im such a burden, I'll just leave and you wont hear from me again, by the way…I quit."

Addison was getting upset, she wanted to help Amelia but she was basically refusing her help. Addison had to do what Derek and Charlotte had advised her to do, it was time for some tough love

"You say you're tired of being on drugs and you wanna get clean and stay clean right? So, I try to help you the only way I know to help you, but then you get upset at my way of helping you, Amelia if you're really ready and you're really tired why are pushing away your help? You asked for help and I gave it to you maybe you're not ready because if you were you'd do anything to stay clean…anything, when you're ready, when you're really ready, I'll be here, I just hope its not too late"

"it doesn't matter anymore Addison, it really doesn't…fine, I'll stay, if it will make you happy I'll stay, but im not ready for counseling or expressing my feelings to a stranger, I'll do that on my own time."

"Amelia, this is not about what I want, its about you and whether or not you wanna get clean, if you should chose sobriety then its your choice this is not about me or Derek or Charlotte or anyone else for that matter, its about you, its your life and your decision, I cant tell you what to do because you're a grown up and its has to be your decision"

"I'm staying ok, can we just stop talking about it please…I just want my life back"

"We don't have to talk about it now but we are going to have to talk sooner or later Amelia and its going to be okay, Im gonna help you get your life back I promise you just have to trust me"

…..

Later that night, Amelia lay wide awake in bed. Everytime she closed her eyes she remembered laying on the bathroom floor. She quietly got up and went to Addison's room, she curled back the covers and crawled in be with her scooting close to her and into her arms pulling the covers up to her neck. Now Amelia felt safe but she still couldn't get that night off her mind. She just laid there in Addison's arms trying not to wake her up.

Addison couldn't sleep either; she was really worried about Amelia. She was the closest thing Addison had to a family besides Ella. Since Bizzy's death she'd had little to no communication with her father or her brother and after her break up with Mark and Sam, she really felt alone; all she had left was Amelia and her daughter When Amelia crept into Addison's room that night she pretended to be asleep, allowing Amelia to snuggle next to her just the way she used to when she was a kid. When Amelia finally settled down Addison put her arms around her sister-in-law and whispered to her

"Everything is gonna be okay Amy I promise

Amelia nodded but didn't say anything. She just moved as close to Addison as she could so she would feel safe and protected. Addison was the closest thing she had to a mother; she didn't talk to her mother except for Christmas and occasionally her birthday. She remembered all the nights when she was little and Derek and Addison would fight, when Derek would sleep on the couch Amelia would go cuddle with Addison.

"I love you Addie."

"I love you too Amelia"

Addison smiled knowing that Amelia had heard her, this journey, this road back to sobriety was going to be hard on them both, but in order for them both to survive they would need each other

Amelia closed her eyes in the safety of Addison's arms. She got a good night sleep for the first time in a long time…


	3. Chapter 3

….

When Addison heard her Alarm go off, she lay there debating on weather or not she should go to work or not, she knew leaving Amelia on her first day of being sober wasn't a good idea, she called in letting everyone know she wasn't going to be in the office for a few days; her first priority was to Amelia. The two of them and spent the day in bed talking and watching movies and drinking coco…Amelia smiled, holding the cup of Addison's famous hot cocoa in her hand as they watched a sappy lifetime movie; during a commercial she looked at Addison.

"Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you Amelia, you and Ella are my family"

"You know, I miss being a kid and coming over to stay the night…We always had fun, even though Derek was usually grumpy."

"Ah, those were the days, when life was so simple, even though Derek was always grumpy"

"You wanna know something funny? I didn't even know what sex was until I would come over here and hear you and Derek."

"You, you could hear us? Oh God, I'm so embarrassed; we tried not to be so loud when you were there"

"There wasn't an 'us', it was more you, and then some slaps. But its ok…taught me all the things I needed to know…oh and you're bossy"

"Okay I am beyond mortified right now, wait you heard slaps?"

"Yeah I was a slap and then an 'oh right there' usually followed"

"Oh my god…I can only imagine what Ella's heard then…you know she asked me what a manwhore was"

"She did not! That child knows more than she should"

"She did! She knows way too much, she knows what sexy is! My 6 year knows what sexy is!"

"So random question….Okay I know what I think about Mark in bed, but I'm asking you: How good was Mark in bed, from your perspective"

"Mark was…Mind blowingly amazing! The man has skills I didn't even know existed! Like I told you before: Face like an angel hips like the devil" Addison sighed as she thought about Mark Sloan…

FLASHBACK:

When Mark Sloan showed up at the practice one afternoon, Addison was shocked. It was out of the norm for him to just show up in LA without as much as a phone call, so she knew something was up. He and Lexie had broken up…again. This was Mark Sloan's routine: whenever he got desperate and lonely, he'd run to Addison, using Ella as leverage. Most times she'd refuse, but this time, she was desperate and lonely enough that she gave in (she and Sam had broken up recently because of the fact that she wanted another baby and he didn't). Things were good; it really seemed like they had an actual shot this time (Mark even went as far as proposing), but as usual, things went bad. When Addison had to go back to Seattle for a case, all of Mark's feelings for Lexie came rushing back. The breakup left Addison (and Ella) heartbroken. How could she have been so stupid to let him back into their lives again? There would always be a huge part of Addison Montgomery that would love Mark, but they both knew that them as a couple, just wasn't meant to be…

…

"How come you broke up? I mean if the sex was that good I would still be riding him"

"When Mark came here, me and Sam were having problems, he said all of the right things and he was willing to give me what Sam wanted: another baby, but he went to Seattle and Lexie kissed him and he said it brought back old feelings and I was still in love with Sam"

"You always seemed happier with Mark than Sam…and you said the sex is amazing and Mark wants kids"

"The sex with Mark was amazing and he made me happy…but Sam's the one Amelia…I know it sounds crazy but he's the one when he walks into a room everything inside of me stops, I go crazy when he's not around"

"But he's only half in…you want another baby more than anything and he doesn't…Addison, that's not right."

"I know but it would've been just as wrong to be with Mark knowing I was only half in…even if the sex was amazing"

"You weren't half in with Mark, you couldn't have been if you accepted a proposal; Sam is scared of commitment, Mark isn't"

"I was only half in Amelia, I was only half in love with him, and I accepted that marriage proposal because I thought that would make Ella happy"

"…so, what are they gonna do about me at the practice? Because I'm pretty sure I'm banned"

"You're not banned from the practice Amelia, your job at the practice and at the hospital will still be there waiting on you once you recover"

"I don't want to go back"

"Wait, you don't want to go back? But you love being a doctor; it's what you've wanted to be for as long as I've known you"

"How can I help others if I can't even help myself?"

"You are a great doctor Amelia and you will get help and you'll be able to help your patients again I promise its just going to take some time though"

"I don't want to be a doctor anymore…maybe I'll find someone settle down and just be a housewife. Surgeons are supposedly good cooks maybe I'll try it"

"You, not a surgeon? I don't buy it"

"I don't wanna go back and be the drug addicted brain surgeon."

"Amelia the drugs are apart of your past, but being a surgeon doesn't have to be"

"I don't want to cut anymore."

"If you don't wanna cut, then what do you wanna do?"

"I don't know maybe settle down and have a family"

"I can't see you doing anything else but being a surgeon, but if you think that being a wife and a mother make you happy then I'll support you...If it was me, I love my kid and I love my job but if I had to choose one, I don't think I could live without either"

"Yeah but your not an addict. I can't cut, I'm damaged from using….can't be a surgeon with shaky hands, especially in a brain"

"You don't have to stay damaged, you can get better, you just have to believe you can"

"Addison, I'm a neurosurgeon, I know seizures damage the brain and central nervous system, I can't repair what's been done; there's only one procedure an it's experimental I don't even think Derek has done it"

"Amelia, I don't know what to say I wish there was something I could say that would help because I know how much you love being a neurosurgeon"

"I guess this is my punishment"

"Im sorry this happened to you"

"Thank you Addie…I love you"

"I love you too"

Amelia released the hug and laid in Addison bed next to her she scooted close and laid her head in Addison's lap and just watched the TV quietly… Amelia didn't say too much the rest of the day, she laid there just watching TV

"I'm gonna go shower." Amelia said going to her room and grabbing some clothes, she unrolled some shorts and some pills fell out. She picked up the small bag and at first thought about not telling Addie but she didn't want to lie. She walked back to Addison's room.

"Addie, I forgot I had them stashed in my shorts as they fell out…I don't want to keep them because I don't want to use"

"You do it: throw them away, flush them down the toilet, do whatever you have to do get rid of them, telling me you had them shows me that you're ready for this chapter of your life to be over"

She sighed and took the pills walking to the bathroom and flushing them

"That was hard to do"

"I know but you were ready"

"This is hard"

"I know, but anything hard is worth fighting for and this, getting your life back on track, being sober it's definitely worth fighting for"

"Can I sleep with you again?"

"Sure"

"Do you think I would make a good mom one day?"

"I think you'd be a good mom, a great mom even…do you think I can do it? You think I'd be able to handle another kid?"

"Yeah, you're so loving and compassionate, you would do great, and I would love to baby sit"

"Yeah? You think so? Well, I have an appointment with Jake in a few days; he's gonna implant my fertilized egg and I would love for you to be there, since I know Sam's probably not gonna come"

"I would love to come, thanks for asking me"

"Im really excited, I even have a name picked out: Carson"

"I want a baby…I should do a sperm donor too"

"You want a sperm donor? It's not an easy thing to go through Amelia, but if its what you want, then I'll support you"

"I mean if I could have it the right way, and find the right man I would, but I just don't know anyone good enough"

"Trust me I know the feeling"

"Honestly, I would rather be an awesome single mommy than to be fighting with the baby's dad all the time"

"I am an awesome single mommy but being single gets kind of lonely, you'll need support if you're gonna make a go of it alone, it makes you depend on your kid more than you should have to"

"But you didn't have to be single, you know Mark would have been there, but you went with Sam... So… yeah"

"I was single a long time before Mark and I got back together and I love Sam and he makes me happy and he makes Ella happy so...yeah…listen, I'm gonna go sleep in my own bed, goodnight Addie"

Addison could tell by Amelia's leaving that she wanted to tell her that she thought she was crazy for leaving Mark who adored her and wanted another child to be with Sam who loved her as well but didn't want another child. She got up and walked to the spare bedroom and stood in the doorway.

"Say it I wanna hear you say it: You think Im crazy for leaving Mark to be with Sam"

"Saying it won't do any good; I'm just trying to give you an outside perspective; you love Mark, you know you do. You agreeing for him to come out here wasn't because he said all the right things. It's because he actually gave a damn about you Addison. You and Ella's happiness was in his mind all the time. You want a baby more than anything and he was willing to do anything to make that happen for you because he is stupidly in love with you. You kick him out and he still is waiting for you to take him back…I would kill to have a man like that in my life, you had you dream guy right there, The one who was totally committed and would give you the world! And you just shoved him out and pretty much stabbed him in the back. But it's ok my opinion doesn't matter, I'm not the one who has to live with it"

"you're right all of it, every single bit of it is right, but I can't let Sam go, the whole time I was with Mark I wished he was Sam, I know you think Im an idiot but my head is screaming at me for letting Mark go but my heart..."

"As doctors we learn to trust our brains not our hearts. You always told me that when I was little…go with what you feel is right, if its mark, Addie don't let him get away!"

"I did tell you that when you were little, I tried that once, trusting my head and not my heart, and you know what it got me, listening to my head cost me my marriage…but it also gave me Ella"

"That piece of advice has got me through so much, take me for example, if I would have listened to my head, I wouldn't have done drugs. And since your marriage didn't work now you know what to do right, but I'm telling you Addie if you really do love Mark, especially if it's as much as he loves you, Addie you can't let him go. He is the only man you have been with who hasn't hurt you… Sam, hell he doesn't even want the baby you're trying to have and Addison, that just isn't fair to you. He needs to be all in or all out, especially when you're trying to have a baby. Like you just told me, you have to have support, and he doesn't support you; I may not know a lot about life, but I remember everything you ever taught me, take your own advice"

"I did teach you a lot huh? My marriage could've worked Amelia I just didn't give it a chance, everything you're saying is true but I just can't let Sam go and you and Jake and everybody else screaming at me that Sam's not fully committed to me is what I need to hear but I have to be the one to come to that conclusion, just like you had to realize that doing drugs wasn't good for you"

"Yes, you taught me everything I need to know in life, Addie we are all telling you this because were hoping you will try to look at it from our perspectives…because we see you very excited and anxious to have another baby, and then we see Sam not giving a damn and not supporting you" we just don't want to see you get hurt. You're an amazing woman Addie, your kind, smart, loving, compassionate and you always put others before yourself, and everyone sees that, but Sam is selfish… he kissed Naomi while you were grieving over Bizzy after swearing nothing would break you up and that he'd never hurt you"

"You're pretty wise you know that right? It's annoying"

" I got all my advice from the best, just one more thing to remember, if you want him you better get him before someone else does and you completely lose your chance."

"I taught you well, very well, who knew I was so awesome?"

"I just hope you don't wait too long"


	4. Chapter 4

…..

Addison was stunned that Amelia was actually serious about IVF. She had folders with potential donors. She felt that Amelia was doing this out of fear, but she kept opinions to her self; she had promised to help her, so she did.

"Hey, so, I'm looking at potential donors, wanna help?" Amelia asked as she stood in the doorway of Addison's bedroom

"Uh sure I'll help you..." Addison paused midsentence running to the bathroom to throw up, after washing her hands she returned to her bedroom

"Sorry about that, I've been feeling awful lately"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"No...Possibly, it's been almost 2 months since I was inseminated…it's probably nothing, just a bug or something"

"If it's nothing then take a test in the morning…just to be sure"

"Alright, but Im telling you its probably nothing...so I've been thinking..."

"Thinking about what?"

"I was thinking that since you may or may not be coming back to work, that until you do we should find someone to fill in for you…maybe Archer?"

"I don't care, I'm not coming back."

"You're really not coming back? You're done being a neurosurgeon?"

"Yeah…for now…. I just can't"

"Amelia, are you sure?"

"Just drop it Addison okay, now can you help me look at these sperm donors?

….

4 days later

It had been a few days since Addison and Amelia had talked. She had good news to share, she had already told Ella and she was dying to tell Amelia. She found her sitting outside on the deck, staring at the waves.

"So I went to the doctor the other day..."she said as she stood in Amelia's doorway

"And…"

"You were right"

"Any fool could tell you were pregnant Addison"

"Shut up"

"Oh, you know you want to thank me for making you go see Jake…so, how far along are you with my future niece or nephew?"

"Im about 8 weeks, Ella's super excited"

"Good…that's, that's good…listen I'm gonna go upstairs for a little bit…congratulations Addison, you deserve it"

Addison was puzzled by Amelia's actions; she had been acting weird all week and Addison knew something was up

"Okay what's wrong?"

"Nothing Addison really…"

"Amelia, I know you, now what's up? Spill"

"It's nothing…"

"Nothing, really? So why have you been sulking around the house this week if it's nothing?"

"I said it's nothing…I need to look at potential donors…"

"No, No Amelia, I'm not letting you do this, I'm not going to let you hide behind having a baby because you're afraid"

"Addison I am not…"

"Yes you are, Look Amelia, you are a young brilliant gifted neurosurgeon who made a mistake and now you want to sit home in bed with me and have coco and movies and pout all day because you're afraid to get up and get sober and be who you were born to be: a world class kick ass neurosurgeon that's who you are. You can lie there and blame me all you want, you don't have to speak to me again, but it doesn't change the fact that once you push me away you'll be alone because the people that love you, you push them away as long as everyone is holding your hand and being gentle and kid and treating you like a baby you're fine but the minute someone or something gets in the way you run or you push everyone away"

"You think it's so easy don't you. You're a world class double board certified neonatal surgeon you grew up in wealth; you've never known what it's like to struggle. You've never seen hard times. All of the messes you made, you had Bizzy and The Captain or Archer or Sam or Derek or Mark or Naomi there to bail you out. I lost my father when I was a kid, then I got hooked on drugs, but I got sober young and I spent the bulk of my 20's in a library studying my ass off: College, Med school, residency, Neuro fellowship, I'm the black sheep in my family who everyone expected to fail, but I didn't; I made something out of my self, and then I slipped up…and now I have irreversible damage because of the stupid choice I made to get high; it has cost me everything: my family, my career, my future…the man I love died; he died Addison! I don't know what the hell makes sense anymore. Can your money and power and surgical skills fix that? Can you give me my life back? No, so unless you plan to fly to Seattle and convince your ex husband to do an experimental operation on his sister shut the hell up! I'm a 30 year old brain surgeon and I can't do it anymore"

"I did promise you I would be there for you, but I can't do it for you Amelia. I can't be the one to ask Derek to do surgery this is your career, you have to want it back; I promised I would help but now there are decisions you need to make that I cant make for you I want to help you I really do but holding your hand and cuddling you while you throw your career away, I just cant do that. You have wanted to be a neurosurgeon all of your life and to see you sit and possibly have irreversible damage to your hands because it's a risky surgery because you're afraid, I can't do that...anything I do to help you look for reasons to push me away. Yes I promised to support you but I can't stand by and watch you sit in ruins. I'll still be here to help you but first you have to help yourself"

"I'm scared Addison, I'm scared. I'm scared because my career is down the tubes. And yes I'm scared to have the surgery because it has an 18% survival rate. So yes I'm scared to die on the table, and I would only want the best, but the best is my brother so you know he isn't going to do it"

"Derek could do the surgery, you're afraid to ask and you're afraid to take the risk… if you want to be a surgeon again fight like hell to be a surgeon again Amelia anything you don't have to work hard for isn't worth having, I want to be there for you I do but you have to start helping yourself Amelia I've never not seen you fight back and this, you just lying there and taking it isn't you"

"I'm scared to take the risk because I'm scared to die. I mean, I would rather live with shaky hands than not live at all I just don't have any fight left in me."

"There is nothing wrong with being scared, just don't let fear be your excuse forever"

"So what do you want me to do, go have a surgery where I could die? I can't do it alone"

"There isn't a choice; you either have the surgery or you don't. If you want to go to Seattle and have the surgery, then I will go with you, but have the surgery because it's what you want"

"Guess that means I have to call and talk to Derek huh?"

"If you want I'll talk to Derek"

"Let's talk to him together. Will you fly to Seattle with me?"

"We can call him together and yes I'll go to Seattle or Derek could do the surgery here in LA whatever is better for you"

"I don't want everyone here to know. So can we please go to Seattle?"

"Sure, we can go to Seattle"

"When should we go?"

"Well we have to call Derek first"

"Thank you Addie, thank you so much"


	5. Chapter 5

…

Seattle Washington

Derek Shepherd sat in his office one afternoon doing some post op paperwork when his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and noticed his ex wife's number flash across the screen; he was a little bit shocked because, even though the divorce was civil and the two remained friends, they didn't talk much.

"Addison, this is a pleasant surprise"

"Derek, I need you…Amelia needs you"

"What's going on? Is she still using?"

"No…She wants you to do the surgery"

"No, Addison, I love my sister, but the risk…"

"She's willing to take the risk Derek, she wants to get her life on track"

"The overall success rate is only 18 percent Addison"

"But you're Derek Shepherd"

"Flattery will get you nowhere Addison"

"I'm not trying to flatter you…I've seen what you can do when the odds aren't in your favor"

"This is different Addie"

"Do you remember when Archer got sick? All of the other fancy neurosurgeons said that surgery was not an option, do you remember that?"

"How can I not forget Addison"

"But somehow, you managed to prove them wrong; you made the impossible, possible"

"Yeah, but Archer almost died on my table"

"But he didn't because you saved his life…I believe you can do this Derek, I believe that you can help Amelia"

"You really have that much faith in me?"

"Just because we aren't married anymore, doesn't mean that I don't think you're the best"

"Fine…I'll schedule the surgery; can you guys be out here in a week?"

"Yeah, we'll see you in a week…thank you Derek"

…..

1 Week Later

Addison and Amelia were on a plane to Seattle for Amelia's surgery. Addison normally loved going to Seattle and visiting her old job and her old friends but with how things ended between she and Mark, she wasn't so sure, that and the fact this week in particular was eating her alive. At 130,000 feet in the air she couldn't take it anymore, she had to tell someone her secret. She turned to Amelia

"Im supposed to have 2 kids already, and this baby is supposed to be my third"

"What? Addison what are you talking about? I know about the miscarriage…I didn't know you had another…"

"I didn't…I had an abortion"

"Oh my God when?"

"Just before I came to LA…My kid would've been 4 this week...I should be home throwing a birthday party for my kid"

"Oh Addison…"

"I feel so bad Im pregnant with this baby but I feel guilty because I didn't give my other baby a chance, because I couldn't bring another baby into the world, I couldn't put another baby through the stress I put Ella through of not growing up with a father around"

"Addison, it's okay"

"No, No it's not okay, I know I need to be strong for you but it's gonna be hard for me this week, being in Seattle and seeing Derek..."

"Wait, Derek? You aborted Derek's kid?"

"It was right after he cheated on me"

"He cheated on you?"

"When I went to Seattle the first time, I planned on giving him divorce papers; I was already pregnant with Ella and I knew he was going to hate me, but he didn't sign the papers. He wanted to give us another try"

"Even though you were pregnant with Ella?"

"Even though I was pregnant with Ella; but then Mark came to town and everything just went to hell…we had a prom and…"

"A prom? Like a prom, prom?"

"Yeah, it was for the chief's niece because she had ovarian cancer and well, anyway, Derek had sex with Meredith at the prom, and I found out about it because her panties were in Derek's coat pocket…I found them the same day I found out I was pregnant"

"Oh Addison"

"I knew that he didn't love me, and that that baby would be like a desperate attempt to hold on to our marriage, so I went to a private clinic had the abortion, divorced Derek, took Naomi's job offer and here I am: trying to get pregnant again through IVF…I guess this is what I get"

"Oh Addie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"

"No, No, No, don't worry about me…I shouldn't have told you that, it was really stupid of me… you need to focus on your surgery"

"I'd rather do anything other than that"

"Hey, hey, don't worry, you're gonna be fine, you have Derek operating on you and everyone knows he's like the Zeus of neurosurgery, he's a god in the OR"

"I will be better then him one day, you wait and see"


	6. Chapter 6

…..

Seattle Washington, 4 hours later

As their plane began to land, Amelia's heart began to race because she knew she was going straight to Seattle Grace Mercy West to be admitted for surgery the next day.

Addison could feel her panic and gently gave Amelia's hand a squeeze "its gonna be fine"

They stepped off of their plane and headed inside. Once there they said hello to just the people they saw in the halls and Amelia got admitted and into her room. She changed into a gown and sat on the bed as they started her IV's.

"They're going to have to shave my head. Im going to be bald"

"You're gonna be fine, after the surgery you'll be fine"

Just as Addison reassured Amelia, Derek came into the room.

"Amy, Addie, how are you guys"

"Good"

"a little terrified"

"It's gonna be okay Amelia, I know what I'm doing"

"You mean you won't think about all of the horrible things I've done to you and accidentally cut into the wrong place in my brain"

"No Amelia, I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure you come out of this okay"

"I'm still mad Addison called you"

"Don't be mad at Addie, she did what she felt was best"

"…Have you told mom?"

"No"

"Have told Kathleen or Nancy?"

"No, I told no one, you're not the only one who doesn't talk to them"

"Wait, you don't talk to them?"

"No, I haven't talked to them or seen them since the shooting"

"Oh"

"Can I at least ask what made you go back?"

"It wasn't like it was something I planned on doing; I mean do you really think I would risk my life, my family, my career just to get high? I'm a world class neurosurgeon with an almost perfect record, I'm just as good as you"

"Maybe, you could use a little work"

"Derek! Be nice!"

"What Addison? I was only kidding"

"Anyway, I mean I did good, well actually, I was drinking, but Charlotte made me start going to meetings…Addison works with some pretty kick ass people out there in LA, so I was doing good for a while, but then I went to this wedding and I ordered a ginger ale, but the waiter gave me the wrong drink…I tried to stop, but I couldn't…"

"Okay, so when did the pills come into play?"

"Well, my friend Michelle, you remember her right?"

"Yeah what about her"

"Well you know her mom died of Huntington's, and I bugged about getting tested, but she refused, and so I pushed and she said that if she had the gene, she was going to kill herself; when I found out she had Huntington's, I didn't tell her"

"You didn't tell me that"

"I know, I didn't plan on telling anyone, but Pete found out and made me tell her the truth, so I did and I promised her that when the time came that things got so bad that I would kill her myself…so she went to Italy for 6 months, but when she came back, she showed symptoms of early onset…and…she asked me to help her die…."

"Amelia, you know assisted physician suicide is illegal in California…"

"I know Addie, but she was my friend, my best friend, and I promised her…."

"Amelia…"

"What if Naomi came to you and asked you to help her die? Or what if Mark came to you and asked you to help him die Derek?"

"That's different Amelia, besides; neither Mark or Naomi wouldn't do that"

"Plus, Nae and I aren't exactly on good terms right now…"

"What you guys having another one of your chic fights? You guys fought so much in med school, I wondered how you stayed friends this long"

"Well that's what happens when you sleep with your friends exes…"

"Wait, you and Sam? You're sleeping with Sam? Really Addison? What Mark wasn't enough? You get that in Naomi's eyes you're the worst person ever, you get that right?"

"Wow gee, thanks Derek, thank you for making me feel so much better"

"People! Focus! We were talking about me and my problem…I am the one having surgery tomorrow…Derek, I've seen Addie and Sam together, it's the real thing…the way they look at each other…you guys never had that, and Nae and Sam didn't either, it's real love, its not just a fling"

"Yeah, Mark was supposed to be the real thing too, but she sent him back here all messed up…he's sleeping with any and everything with a pulse again Addison, you broke Mark! You turned him into the manwhore again"

"He's doing that because he can't have Lexie back and because he's too afraid to fight for her…that's why he came to me….when he came to LA with Sloane, I asked him to give us another chance, but I knew then he was still in love with Lexie, but she broke up with him and then she started dating Karev…so Mark did what he does best: he came to me and I was desperate and lonely enough so I took him back…Mark and I, we have this thing; when we have no one else, we turn to each other and it usually ends badly, I don't know why we do it, it just happens and we use Ella as an excuse which is wrong on so many levels…"

"I thought you just said you and Sam were together"

"We were but, we hit a rough patch; I want more kids and he doesn't, but we talked about it and now…"

"Now she's pregnant…through IVF"

"IVF?"

"Yeah, apparently, I've got some fertility issues going on, so I used IVF"

"Wow…I guess congratulations are in order then"

"Okay, so now that we've established that, can we get back to the real problem?"

"Sorry about that Amelia, I didn't mean to take the spotlight away from you"

"But you kinda do; only Addison Forbes Montgomery can find a way to squeeze her own personal drama into an already complicated situation"

"Shut up"

"You guys! Focus!"

"Sorry"

"It's almost like you're still married or something…What? Oh come on, it was a joke, relax…anyways, Michelle asked me to help her die, and I did…but she had a bad reaction to one of the drugs, so I stopped…but she killed herself anyways; took a bottle of oxy, she didn't even get half of them down….I was already drinking heavy, but that just kind of pushed me over the edge…I tried to keep it together as far as work goes, but I met a guy named Ryan…he was like any other man I've met or dated in my life, he wanted us both to get clean, but I just wanted more drugs...anyway, like I said before, Addie works with some incredible people who knew what I was doing and they staged an intervention; Ryan and me, we were gonna get sober together and get married and have kids but…he OD'd; I went to rehab got sober, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that the one man I loved died; the night he OD'd and we made the promise to get sober, we had some pills…he wanted to flush them; but I said we should get high one last time…Anywho, I tried, I really did try, but the guilt, it just took over and I started using again; worse than I've ever used…I called Addison one night after I'd started having the seizures and she came right over, she took care of me; she's the reason I'm even having this surgery…she saved me Derek"

"I'm glad she did…I can't thank you enough Addie"

"It was nothing Derek"

"No Addison, when we got divorced, you didn't have to have anything else to do with my family or me, but you took my little sister in, gave her a job…you've been there for her in more ways than the rest of us; it's always been like that, even when we were married. I owe you the biggest amount of gratitude"

"Yeah…excuse me, I need to…I'll be back" Addison said as she walked away from the room to compose herself

"She okay?"

"Uh yeah, she's just…she'll be okay"

"You want me to explain the procedure and the risks?"

"Yeah, that'd be good"

"Listen Amy, I know you're scared but, I promise you I'm going to take care of you, and I know I haven't exactly been the best brother in the world, but I'm gonna start doing better….I love you Amelia, and I really am proud of you"

"Shut up"

"Why?"

"Because I don't wanna start crying again"

"Oh Amelia, its okay to cry, I know you're scared, but you've got me and Addie and Mark, we're all right here for you"

Once Addison returned to the room, Derek began to explain the procedure and the risks then kissed her head and left


	7. Chapter 7

….

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm, I'm fine; it was just…"

"Hard seeing him thinking about what this week would've been"

"Yeah"

"I'm sorry Amelia, I really shouldn't…"

"Addison, its fine…I'm guessing before today, you never told a sole about the abortion"

"No"

"I'm glad you told me…for the record, I don't hate you Addison"

"Thanks, it really means a lot to me"

"Any time…you want to come lay in bed next to me?"

"Yes please"

"Addie…are you, I mean do you mind…Are you going to stay here with me tonight Because I would totally understand if you couldn't…"

"No, it's fine I'll stay the night"

Amelia nodded just as the nurse came in with the required pre-op paperwork she need to sign. With each signature she got more and more nervous as if she was signing her life and her career away literally. When she was done she could barely stand it anymore. She looked away fighting back tears. She was terrified; the statistics were not in her favor

"I'm scared when I wake up in the morning and tell you goodbye when they wheel me away, that it will be the last time I see you"

"Hey, you are going to be fine, I'll be watching from the gallery the whole time...I picked out a name for the baby: Carson and Ella has a boyfriend, that's still weird for me to say: my kid my sweet 6 year old glitter, dress up, sparkle, princess loving kid has a boyfriend that's a little mortifying…not as bad as the fact that she told me she can her me 'screaming' from sex and she loves twilight did you know that? I caught her acting out scenes from the movie and she was kissing her pillow, I said 'Elle what are you doing?' and she tells me 'mom Im kissing Edward Cullen' can you believe that?"

"Ella is growing up, she is going to be an amazing young lady before we know it…. Addie, will you promise me something?"

"Sure anything"

"promise me that if I don't make it out of this, that you wont stop being you, promise me that you will come visit me and not forget I ever existed. And promise me, that you will find me in heaven when it's your turn, because it sure as hell is going to be lonely up there without my best friend I love you Addie, I love you so much for everything you have done for me. And i promise to fight like hell and come back out here to you okay?"

"Hey, don't talk like that, you're going to be fine, you're going to come back and go back to being that kick ass neurosurgeon and you're gonna be a great aunt to Ella and you're gonna be there in the delivery room with me and Sam holding my hand when Carson is born and you're gonna have babies, lots of and lots of babies that I will spoil rotten and you're gonna get married and live a long time, so you can't go into surgery thinking you're gonna die because if you die Im gonna kill Derek for letting you die then Im gonna kill you again for dying I love you Amelia, you're my sister and I love you so don't die okay?"

…

On the morning of her surgery, Addison stayed with her as long as she could, until it was time for her to be taken into the OR; just before they wheeled her in, Amelia gave a tearful goodbye to Addison,

"I promise im going to fight like hell ok. I'll fight; Im not ready to go, but promise me if i do, you won't change ok? I would love to be in there when the baby is born…see you in a few hours"

After the nurses got Amelia to let go of Addison's hand, she rushed up stairs to the gallery and took a seat. She looked down at Derek as she waited to hear him say what he always said before he started his surgery. Derek looked up at her and said

"Alright everyone it's a beautiful day to save lives"

once Addison heard him say that she sat down in her seat, closed her eyes and said a prayer to herself:

"_God, its me, Addison Montgomery, Im not even sure you know who I am because the last time I went to church was when Bizzy died and the last time I tried to pray was when my brother Archer was sick, Im not even sure you can hear me but that girl down there on the table is my sister and I need you to let her live so that she can be a surgeon and happy again and please let my baby live and Im sorry about my last child but please, please let Amelia live...Amen"_

"I didn't think you would come, I mean I know you're probably here for Amelia but…" Addison said to Mark as he took the seat beside her

"I'm here for Amelia…and you too; I'm sorry Addison"

"Mark, you have nothing to be sorry for"

"So you're not mad at me?"

"No, I could never stay mad at you Red"

"Do, do you still love me?"

"I will always love you Addison, no matter how crazy you make me, I'll always love you; you gave me my daughter…you still love me?"

"Of course Mark, you made me a mom"

"I did didn't I?"

"Shut up" she told him as they held hands, Addison resting her head on Mark's shoulder as they watched the surgery…


	8. Chapter 8

…

After Amelia was asleep Derek wiped her tears and kissed her forehead. He shaved where he needed and then made the cut. Halfway through Amelia flat lined they rushed and finally got her back. Derek looked down at Amelia,

"hey it's your brother, do that to me again and I'll kick your ass when you wake up."

4 hours later they finished and bandaged her up and wheeled her into recovery. She was still unconscious with a tube down her throat but she had survived.

"I know have a 19% success rate" Derek said to Addison once the surgery was finished… Addison was relieved that the surgery was a success; after Amelia was placed in recovery; Addison sat by her bedside and waited for her to wake up. After a couple of days Amelia slowly opened her eyes and began to fight the intubation as she reached for Addison. Once the nurses took the tube out of Amelia's throat Addison, who was in tears smiled at Amelia

"Hi, you scared me and Derek half to death...you flat lined but Im so happy you made it"

"I'm bald"

"Yeah you are but you're here and Im so glad"

"My head hurts"

"You just had surgery; it's going to hurt for a while"

"Thank You Addison, for everything"

Addison smiled down at Amelia and nodded. She was happy that Amelia was finally on the right road to recovery…

…..

Part 2 to follow….


End file.
